I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
