I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
