I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
