I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
