So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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