i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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