This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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