You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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