Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
