I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
