I love black thongs
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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