I can't breathe out the right side of my face
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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