The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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