dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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