i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
