dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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