she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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