sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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