Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
