you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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