I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
