hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
