Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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