onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
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