There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
