my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
