I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
