the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
