i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
