it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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