I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
