i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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