I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Let's get the cat blown out
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
