I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
