Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
