Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
