If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
