i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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