Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
