i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
