Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
