Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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