there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
