i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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