i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
