You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
