Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
