i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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