i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
