so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
