i don't like sucking hair
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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