who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
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